:) I Did It.

Something just hit me. I'm supposed to be sweeping the floor but instead I head towards the computer and here I am now. Blogging.

With the penyapu leaning on my thigh.

Dong dong.

You know what? Every step you take in life is history. The present is the past. And every single thing that you do is an experience. Every single bloody thing that you do is an opportunity to mold you into a wiser person; there's a glitch there however. It depends on how you look at it. On how you use that past experience of yours.

Oh shoot hang on. The phone's ringing.

Ah back. It's Koul. He's back from Sudan, starting his semester in UTP. My eardrums are still vibrating from listening to his voice. Man, he talks LOUD. And the phone was 5 inches away from my ear.

Lol ok, back to where we were. Yes let's see...let's see...

Ah yes. The past. It molds it's present. I don't know bout you guys but regardless of however terrible your past is, there's always a story behind it, a reason. It always happens for a reason. Sometimes you'd think when it goes so bad you can't take it anymore, ok this is so cliche and I'm gonna sound so Simple Plan-ish, "How could this happen to me?"

No, this isn't to all the weak people in the world. I dont believe in weak people, I believe everyone is strong somewhere in their heart. You're strong enough to survive in this world. You're only weak if you commit suicide. Which is, I hope, Never an option for you. You would just be awarded with another label. 'Stupid'. Hm. Not a good last impression.

This is just to everyone.

I was talking to 'this person that person' the other day about... my past (no, I am NOT embarassed to admit I was a weak, oppressed, depressed...person *splutters* back then) and damn he's right. It's up to me to decide whether it's the thrust of a blade or a mosquitoe bite.

But who are we to control that much of our feelings? One can only do so much to be strong, to put up that facade. We're only human kan.

At the end of the day, the worst beating I've got was from myself. Not from Him, or Her, or Them. My thoughts.

I know you're all in this 'it's easier said than done' mode. Kan? kan? kan? :)

I hate it when ppl say this but 'been there, done that' babeh. Hmm. Do I dare terminate my sense of pride and forsake embarassment, strip myself from that well-known ego Hannah has?

Yes.

Because I'm survivor in life. I'm 19 (almost) but I've done it and so can you.

I'm crippled in many ways (aren't we all?). My overzealousness IS a part of me yet somehow, I really don't know how, it is a way for me to cover up my 'crippled-ness'. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been a fake to you all these years, I'm really comfortable being the loud, boisterous drama queen I am, it is still me. It's just those darn complex psychology shits that's too much for us to capture in a tweeny mind, that's how I can't comprehend how it works. Besides being short-sighted (ahem), I have a weak heart.

Weak heart meaning:
My faith in God wasn't that strong until a few years ago.
I would care too much.
Trust too much.
Bother too much.
Love too much.
Believe too much.
And all that too much.

Nananana, not that the world is a lean, mean, gyrating machine. Even though it does feel like it sometimes but WHATever it is, it's not. There's hope however much you want to deny that.

I've been led, once upon a time, to the chronicles of 'love'. Oooooh yeah, lyuuurve ppl, did that capture your attention? I have cared for someone so so very the much I'd forsake everything to just put things right if anything were to go wrong. No, well actually it's not THAT bad but nearly, yes. I'd have to thank Mr Ego-fied for saving my ha-ass off from the clutches of oh-so-terrible testosteroned-packed X'ed DNA's.

No actually they're not bad. That moment was just the wrong place and time sorta thingy. Form 4. And I'd want to retain our friendship but unfortunately for me, I've been too much of a bitch back then. I still care for him though, I always will. A relationship is a serious thing, yes. You've cared, nurtured, loved and adored that man and vice-versa. You've shared feelings, whispered, not sweet nothings,mind you, but at that moment itself it felt like, 'whoa, top of the world' right? It's been there, that attachment, care. To stop it completely would be inadvertently unrealistic unless something really terribly unforgivable happened or it's just that you're still holding grudges. Or you're heartless. Let go. I have. I'm still talking to all of my ex's but one. He has yet to forgive me/let go. Sigh sigh. It was my fault, the whole damn thing. I'm admitting it.

But yes, been there done that kan.

Been there done that no.2.

I've faced hardships. I don't come from a filthy rich family but we were 'down-trodden' for awhile. It started out okay when we first moved here. Dad had a business, not going all that smoothly but we survived. Then September 11 'kedebang kedebush' and the business pun 'kedebang kedebush-lah'. Oh, we were pretty hard off. Not extremely baaad but..quite, quite *nods head*. No telephone for 6 months. I didn't have a mobile back then. Went to a private school in KL to make things worse (obviously we registered when thing were pretty ok). The family's business went bankrupt. Mom was teaching tuitions, flexible hours. Moved the business to Johor but we got cheated. (Those nasty nasty asses I tell you). The MPV kena tarik, we're left with the Wira. It was four of us sibs back then, Iman still up there. We scraped through but it was hard. It was hard for me and my elder sister as we were in our adolescent/teen period and hormone imbalances did NOT make anything better. We had expectations, schooling in KL was like, ugh for us among all those rich rich kids. Who's smart idea ah to put us in a praaayvate school?! (We moved to BK then Convent after that). So NO ppl, us being Singaporeans did not make our lives in Malaysia here better. In fact, it's harder cuz we're not qualified for loans or anything of that sort. I'm scraping that mentality off your heads.

That period went on for bout...3-4 years more or less. Whoa. That's long.

We're good now, alhamdullilah. We have Iman, and she's a real darling. She Did bring 'berkat' to our family. She's our happiness when we've got nothing to look forward to, when it feels like we're at the end of the road. Trust me, Pain is good. All those years putting up a face in school, being the 'new girl' twice, having to act like as if everything's alright in front of your peers is NOT easy. I get attached easily so you know, it's hard leaving old friends behind. I was a complete pessimist, THE pessimist if you must. It sucks because whenever I mention 'Singaporean' they all go 'Waaaaa.....' and I'm getting really good at having to surpress myself from rolling my eyes so often.

Haha. But I survived-we survived-and I'm proud of us. Papa has a new business for bout 2? years now and even I know how to work the stuff! :) Best part is, it's home-based and he's home all the time. We're a proper family now. He doesn't come back late anymore. He gets enough sleep. He actually listens to us when we tell him how school went instead of constantly worrying. Mama's more lovable to Papa! :D Faith, clarity, patience does preceed success. Just never lose hope in Him up there. He loves to test us.

Omg chope. I'm eating this honestly God-forbidding sinfully out-of-this world bun n it's soooooo good. Jap jap, I makan jap eh.

Ok anyway. Third and last... not exactly 'been there done that' thing but...it's an extremely, extremely bad experience..........*deep breaths Hannah*



I've been sexually harassed.





It didn't hurt that much anymore saying that now.

I was tortured with the feeling for a few months. Yep, not the memory. The damn feeling of it would come back, it's like happening there and then itself, how could I not go crazy? I had dreams that would led me to what would've happened if 'he' had more time. I'd cry in my sleep.. wake up clutching anything around me. My heart would jolt and crumble at the sight of a Savvy car. Even a person that looks like him can make me go nuts. Midnight calls to San, crying over the phone. The vision of it would creep up worse than that Ju-On boy. It was... there's no particular word to describe how I felt. At any time of the day, whether I'm sitting in the train or driving to Jusco, the feeling and the thought of it would come and I'd just stop and tear. It's not like it's controllable, I don't WANT it but there you go.

How, I thought, would I ever get through THIS?
It just seems so virtually impossible to me. It haunts you, this feeling. Your stomach sucks in all the breath and you gasp and gasp and your tears do but overflow.

It was far by the worst thing that happened to me.

I keep thinking that it may be karma you know, for all the bad things I've done before this but San said nooo. I would never know though; Allah controls everything. I've questioned His existence before in my most beguiling moments. I felt hopeless, I was weak. That's what weak ppl do. They give up on life and start acting. Actors, all of 'em.

You'd wonder how I could type this so freely for all to see. Its that I've let go, people. And I want to show you that there's still hope admist all the fucked-up situation surrounding us, or happening to us. Some bastard's not gonna stop me from living. It's time. I've broken down, crumbled to the ground, I've hurt enough. I've done all that crying, no more now. That was last year. I took up kickboxing to regain my nonexistent confidence (haha).

I know some people who would rather 'live in a lie with a happy outcome' rather than 'an honest life with an awful ending' (something like that lah). Well then these people are merely short-sighted. They don't see anything beyond life on temporary earth. I feel like snorting on their faces but that'd just be plain dumb and rude ainnit? *Shakes head* All that food in your mouth *points to mouth*, comes from Him *points up there*.

I'm a better person, stronger if I dare say so myself. However, who are we to say this is just all that we're going through? Who am I to say I won't break a leg or be mentally delusional later on? All those things up there that happened, deaths of my closed ones..all of those bad bad mean mean things that happened made me an even stronger person in life. I'm able to make decisions, be independant, help others. I just want you to know there is still hope. I have lots of friends who are living the world like its permanently Las Vegas and I'm telling you there's way more things waiting for you guys further up there.

"And the stupor of death will come in truth..." (Qur'an 50:19)

And if you do ever feel sad, do good to others. It's like a miracle cure. Trust me. You'll feel wonderful. There's nothing like forgetting our problems when looking at the ones worst-off than ours. To see them smile appreciatively at us is like, Wow.

'Your life is the product of your thoughts. The thoughts that you invest in will have an indelible effect upon your life, regardless of whether they are happy thoughts or miserable thoughts.'

So think happy thoughts and you'll live a happy life.

A poet said:
"Fear does not fill my heart before the occurence of that which is feared,
And I don't become overly distressed if that event does occur."

I'm happy and comfortable with who I am now. Experience have 'toughened up' my sense of 'streetsmart, Girl-power' attitude. I look back and I'm like, "Hello?! Who's that ding dong bell over there?" Take a look at the big picture. Being emotional ain't no help. Not permanently.

What is a break-up compared to the death of my childhood friend? What is being molested compared to those who are raped? I Thank God I've been tested with.. challenges that are still somehow 'mundane' enough for me to show my Faith in him, that I can cope with living in His world.

Never talk when you can nod,
Never stop when you can help and move on.

What would I be if none of the above happened? A wimp.
Experience is good. Pain is inevitable. We all go through it everyday. The difference among us is what we do when one of those Inevitable moments take a turn, a lurch, in our daily lives. What do you do?
I did it. God has tested me Emotionally, Physically, Mentally and I have no doubt that there's more to come. The break up (yes, it did hurt me; BAD), the hardships faced by my family, and the.... that lah. I did it :)

"The past is lost forever, and that which is hoped for is from the unseen, So all that you have is the present hour."

Don't find pleasure; it's temporary, it's worldly. Look for happiness; it lasts, it belongs to us. We have every right to claim it from Him. He's got it all up there ppl, all up there. Just have Faith and believe that NOTHING in this world can bring us down unless He permits it. Then you stand up again. Prove Him wrong. He'll love you for it.



OMG I HAVEN'T SAPU YET!