Of love. And sacrifice. Really.

It ended well.
It ended today.

"Tolong pegangkan."
"Buku ape ni?"
"Ibu bagi you."
"Ibu bagi? For what?"
"Ntah...ibu bagi Kak In, Kak Ina, Me, one to Fana and one to you."
"But...I dunno how to read Arab. Ni Arab ke jawi?"
"Jawi."
"Oh ok. Then I boleh baca."

I couldn't read a word. It was a photostated hand-written book and the smaller one copied from a book. But Ibu bagi? She obviously knows.

There was much 'output' from me today when he picked me up. So much frustrations out, all the mini pre-frustrations packed and walloped into one just gushed out from my mouth after we sent Jaya home. I told him things I told before, I sweared at him; I hit him, I questioned him, at one time I teared in my most vulnerable moment, I demanded an answer. I was tired. Be a man, dammit.
And I calmed down at parts where I just needed to let him seep all I've said. He kept quiet all the way. I couldn't look at him. He looked straight at the road.
And when we reached, "I'm sorry".
I gave him my two shits.
"Ok I won't message you anymore, I won't call, I won't see you anymore."
And I was happy that he made the decision. But I cried. I really couldn't help it.

We sat down at the school foyer when waiting for Adlan. And we talked and talked some more. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes he said sorry. There were times where I even laughed and smiled, because I was relieved. That we're finally separated from this 'pressure' built in between us. He was silent most of the time. All he did was look at me and let me do all the talking.
"It would be difficult at first of course, but don't worry ok, I can take care of myself. I have a good feeling bout this."
"But I hurt you. And I love you."
"Doesn't matter, we do what's right. Allah has His reasons why all this happened ok. Kite kena yakin Arif. Macam Mama cakap kan, if things were meant to be, it will happen dengan izin Allah. Maybe it's not gonna happen now, kita 2 belum matang lagi kan."
"I'm sorry Hannah." He continued looking.
"Ah don't worry. Don't be sorry for doing something right. I know it's for the best. You kena redha lar dengan keputusan yang you dah buat."
"But I don't feel happy with it, at all."
"Insya-Allah, hati you akan tenang nanti. You love Fana ok, you must really love her to accept her after she did it the second time Arif. We'll see how it goes."

And I made him promise me stuff and I promised to take care of Mama and Papa.

"The only bad part about this is I can't see Adlan and Ibu anymore... U ah. Takpelar at least Ibu gave me something before this all ended."

He took out the hair from my face and I kept changing my sitting positions. All he did was look.

The school bell rang. Adlan appeared and he salam-ed me and 'Acu'. He held my hands as we walked back to the car.

"Adlan ada homework? Adlan potong rambut eh?"

"A'ah." And he smiled the cutest smile ever with his doggone sleepy eyes.

I took Adlan's picture in the car. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd never pick him up from school again or buy him Happy Meals with Arif. Or I'd layan him with the free toys that come with it.

And I teared because I am positively in love with the 7 year-old brat.

And Arif held my hands. For the first and last time. He didn't allow me to pull away throughout the whole journey home.

"Why did it have to end like this? Why did it have to start and end like this?"

He's right. It all started and ended the exact same way.

"Let me buy you coffee please. Or chocolate."

He wanted to spend more time with me. Not possible.

"No. No, you need to let me go soon anyway."

"Not now, no. Please, let me get you something. Anything."

He held my hand tighter.

I looked away till we reached home. He took my hand in both of his and looked at me. I smiled.

"Time to go."

"Adlan salam mama."

"Bye mama." And he smiled his most sincere smile ever. My heart melted at the sight of it. Oh the innocence of a young child. He jumped to the front seat and waved.

Arif looked at me expectantly.

"Bye."

And he waited till I got through the gates to the front door. I looked back and he left.


I found Mama peeking through the curtains.

"What? I was just looking, cannot ah."

I sighed and balanced my right arm on the front door gate.

"It's over."

"What's over?"

"Me and him. We're not gonna call or msg or meet each other anymore." And my tears suddenly flowed again, there and then. I cried at the front door.

"Awwh..." And she held out her hands for me to hug her.

"What you go through when you're growing up Nona..."

"Yeah I know. And I dunno how to read Arab. Jawi. Anyway I'm gonna be down the whole night today Ma."

She looked through the books Ibu gave and told Papa what happened. "Read the books eh, orang dah bagi."

It was some books pasal solat and hadith and stuff.

"Yang tua tu dah suke yang kat muda lah."..."Arif dah ade girlfriend.."..."Macam tu lar..." Mama told Papa. My father's a bit slow.

"Sebenarnye dalam Islam tak boleh mcm tu tau. You need to be friends."

"We tried, it didn't work. Nevermind lah, we'll see how it goes."

"Yeah, you're still young."


Kakak was all out for us going our separate ways cuz she's been cheated on before.

"It should be that way what!" She shrieked.
(She's been bugging me to think about it, to not stoop so low as the girl and blah blah blah. I got her. I really did.)

It lasted a month. No, we were never together but we got 'close'. I'm glad it didn't go any further.

I'm still ok now, I feeling much calmer about things. Everything.
I'm not the 'other girl' anymore and I'm happy he made the decision by himself. Rather than me, constantly ordering and forcing him to DO something about the situation, yet loving him at the same time.

We'll see.

I didn't feel too hard-pressed because this is what I 'wanted'. Somewhere deep inside me I know I'm contented.

It ended quite, quite well.